Lost In Me

Nonlinear feedback

So this is from the blog of a pretty friend of mine from Ohio:

"And, based on their handy-dandy interactive map, Ohio is no longer considered a swing state: it's definitely 'leaning towards' Bush. Dammit."

Even though I'm not allowed to vote in America, it's always bothered me what kind of an effect that unofficial polls by the mass media has on the voting population. For example, in the case of my concerned Ohioan friend (who I assume is a Democrat), the effect of hearing that her candidate is behind in the polls may be to cause her to become demoralized, so that she does not bother to vote on the rationale that her vote no longer makes a difference. On the other hand, the effect of the poll may be to make her more determined to vote than ever, hoping that her extra effort will swing the vote in the other direction. Either way, it seems clear that seeing the results of the poll would have an impact on her decision on whether or not to vote. What is not clear to me is whether the two effects I posited cancel each other out perfectly, when extrapolated over the entire voting population of Ohio. If they did not cancel, then what we would have is a kind of nonlinear feedback mechanism, where a poll of the voting population affects the voters' intentions, which in turn affects the next poll taken, etc.

And of course, it is not clear whether this voter-poll feedback would assist or impede the candidate with a marginal lead in a "swing state", but it is reasonable to say that it decreases the chances of a turnaround in a state where polls repeatedly claim that one candidate has a double digit lead over another. It isn't difficult to imagine then, the kinds of abuses of this effect the mass media could employ, in order to influence the final vote. The possibility for media abuse is all the more disturbing given the overwhelming support of the current president in the American mass media, ever since a certain day in September three years ago.

I don't claim to understand all the details, and I can't even show that such a feedback loop exists. However, I do know that concern over the effect of polls and media manipulation instituted a ban of polls in South Korea, for a set amount of time leading up to an election day. For example, media outlets in Korea could be forbidden from publishing any polls of the voting public starting a month before election day, and up until the vote takes place.

Something to think about for American voters.

I had quite a surprise last night. Panna interrupted my usual last minute rush to finish up homework on Sunday night, by barging into my room, with her hands covered in dried blood. I initially thought she had killed somebody, and wanted my help in getting rid of the body. But before I could object, she started to sob into my shoulder and explained that her boyfriend, David, had once again lost it and this time had tried to cut himself to shreds.

From various experiences I think I understand something of that pain you feel when you care about somebody more than they care for themselves. David survived his suicidal episode, probably because of Panna's intervention, but beyond this single incident what burdens Panna is the fact that she cares for David at a time when he considers is own life as unworthy of caring for. After all, when you care about somebody you want that person to grow strong and independent, and it is painful to watch that person sink into a dependent relationship, be it with you or a third party. It was the frustration of weeks and months of this kind of dependent relationship that Panna took out on my rather narrow shoulders last night, the end result being a tear-soaked, blood-stained math camp t-shirt.

I didn't have a whole lot to say to Panna. I listened to her talk for a long time, gave her some food, and sent her on her way. I try not to let Panna influence me, as she is often in an emotionally turbo-charged, ready-to-burst-out-crying sort of mood. But after seeing her last night I did feel extremely drained, because to a lesser degree, I see her in the same light as she might see David. From my perspective, Panna's relationship with David has been more hurtful and destructive to all parties involved, than conductive to growth. She could do better when it comes to men, and it is not clear to me why she settles for less.

Znet is asking once again for donations to maintain their website. The website/magazine is an excellent source of essays on American politics, and has the support of such giants as Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn. And now, it also has the support of tiny little lostinme.

I encourage anybody that reads it to contribute.

I have all this food that I want to cook, but apparently nobody at Cornell is willing to eat it for me. It must be because our cafeterias are "so good".

My bloggiversary is rapidly approaching. I guess I'll update next then.

So I am very concerned, as Motte has come down with an ulcer, and has been generally very sickly for the past few weeks. I often tell myself and others "take care of yourself, as nobody else will do that for you".

But in her case, I sometimes want to tell her "take care of yourself, until I'm there to do that for you".

I am intensely sore from lifting the 160 pounds that Joephet thinks I shouldn't lift. Ok, so it was more like 135, but I refuse to bench more than my own weight.

I'm also intensely hung over from drinking with Galwang last night. Most people are a lot of fun to be around when they are drunk. On the other hand, I turn belligerent when inebriated around others, and tend to cry uncontrollably when I'm drunk alone. Last night, I had a chance to do both.

I've recently come to realize just how shattered my family is. Not that I remember a time when we were very close knit, but these days it seems that there is simply no connection between the children and the parents. And of course, my brother has it the worst, as having grown up in America he has no common ground or shared culture on which he can understand my parents, or vice versa. I blame the distance between my parents and my brother solely upon my parents, because although they insisted on raising him in this society, they made no discernible effort to become acquainted with the culture in which their younger son grew up. Nor did they make any effort to learn his language, or speak a language that he could understand in the home. I think that if our family had existed within a broader Korean American community, there may have been a chance for my parents and brother to come to more of an understanding. Unfortunately, my parents decided to isolate our family in an all white, small suburban town in Ohio. Having grown up so alienated from the rest of us, it is not very surprising that now that he is in college, my brother wants nothing further to do with his family.

On the other hand, I am to blame for the distance that has grown between my parents and myself. After spending elementary school in America being made fun of, beat up, and generally abused by American children for being yellow, I was very glad when my parents moved back to Korea. It was while attending middle school in Korea where I formulated a sense of self, as anything more than "just a foreigner", and the way in which I view myself and my place in this world hasn't changed fundamentally since then. I was afraid when in high school my parents expressed a desire to immigrate back to America, as I wasn't very confident of my parents' understanding of the true nature of American society, and as I foresaw the distance that would grow between my brother and the rest of the family. I never forgave my parents for overruling my concerns and dragging me kicking and screaming back to this country, and since then I've drifted farther and farther from them.

I think about what my parents are doing at this moment. My father most likely came back from his job in research science late again, and after dinner he'll have a few drinks while watching TV and go to bed early. Sometimes, it seems like my parents can go an entire evening while saying nothing to each other. My mother tends to go to sleep much later. She is most likely spending the evening wondering why my brother is so resentful of his parents... it is sad that she'll never understand what went wrong, because of her mental inflexibility. Perhaps she will call me again tonight to ask me why. "But all the other Asian American children are so normal and happy," she says to me. I snicker a little bit, but there is something to what she is saying. There are personality types that are more suited for life in a foreign country, and there are types that are not. She is simply unwilling to acknowledge the possibility that her children fall into the latter category.

Because of her inability to understand her own sons, I never feel quite as cold and lonely as I do when I'm talking to my mother. My parents effectively discarded their children when they made the decision to move to America, though that was not their intention, and though they will never understand that. It is strange to think how four people that lived for two decades with each other could end up so distant from each other.

I went to Ruloph's last night, along with a very skinny Lee, to see what Galwang was up to. I arrived at the bar just as he was ordering 3 Three Wise Men, and watched him down them in the span of about half a minute. At Lee's recommendation, I ordered a Jameson for the first time, only to have it snatched out of my fingertips by Galwang. I spent the rest of my time at the bar listening to him bemoan the prejudice he suffers on the basketball court, where apparently a short Asian man wearing glasses is never passed the ball. It seems understandable that that would be frustrating, as basketball is his primary outlet, but it still doesn't seem worth getting that drunk over. I found it ironic that his drunken sobbing got him a lot of attention from the bartender, who was the kind of white woman that he would have been drooling over, had he been sober. It's too bad he missed it.

So much for Friday night. I haven't had a lot to blog about lately, as my primary concern these days is getting enough sleep. Not that I've been horribly overworked, but I have one of these cases of insomnia which I periodically get, which last for a few days. I've also been actively avoiding my phone and Instant Messenger, as I seem to get a lot of calls from various women, mostly female friends who want to vent, their favorite topic being boys and boyfriends.

And there is my mother who calls to vent about my little brother, who is struggling to cope with college life in particular, but more generally life in America as a foreigner. The latter of which my mother is unwilling to acknowledge, as then there is the issue of responsibility and blame which inevitably comes up.

And of course none of these calls are from that one particular woman whom I'd most like to hear from.

Eh, you've obviously ne'er seen Look Who's Talking Too. There's a precious moment in which Kirstie Alley explains to the girl daughter the differences between boys and girls, namely that boys have penises and girls don't. They proceed then through People Magazine, whereupon the girl declares that Bush I has no penis.

Bill Clinton needs heart surgery. I didn't realize politicians had hearts. Next they'll tell me George W. Bush takes viagra. As if he had a dick.