Monday, September 27, 2004
I had quite a surprise last night. Panna interrupted my usual last minute rush to finish up homework on Sunday night, by barging into my room, with her hands covered in dried blood. I initially thought she had killed somebody, and wanted my help in getting rid of the body. But before I could object, she started to sob into my shoulder and explained that her boyfriend, David, had once again lost it and this time had tried to cut himself to shreds.
From various experiences I think I understand something of that pain you feel when you care about somebody more than they care for themselves. David survived his suicidal episode, probably because of Panna's intervention, but beyond this single incident what burdens Panna is the fact that she cares for David at a time when he considers is own life as unworthy of caring for. After all, when you care about somebody you want that person to grow strong and independent, and it is painful to watch that person sink into a dependent relationship, be it with you or a third party. It was the frustration of weeks and months of this kind of dependent relationship that Panna took out on my rather narrow shoulders last night, the end result being a tear-soaked, blood-stained math camp t-shirt.
I didn't have a whole lot to say to Panna. I listened to her talk for a long time, gave her some food, and sent her on her way. I try not to let Panna influence me, as she is often in an emotionally turbo-charged, ready-to-burst-out-crying sort of mood. But after seeing her last night I did feel extremely drained, because to a lesser degree, I see her in the same light as she might see David. From my perspective, Panna's relationship with David has been more hurtful and destructive to all parties involved, than conductive to growth. She could do better when it comes to men, and it is not clear to me why she settles for less.
From various experiences I think I understand something of that pain you feel when you care about somebody more than they care for themselves. David survived his suicidal episode, probably because of Panna's intervention, but beyond this single incident what burdens Panna is the fact that she cares for David at a time when he considers is own life as unworthy of caring for. After all, when you care about somebody you want that person to grow strong and independent, and it is painful to watch that person sink into a dependent relationship, be it with you or a third party. It was the frustration of weeks and months of this kind of dependent relationship that Panna took out on my rather narrow shoulders last night, the end result being a tear-soaked, blood-stained math camp t-shirt.
I didn't have a whole lot to say to Panna. I listened to her talk for a long time, gave her some food, and sent her on her way. I try not to let Panna influence me, as she is often in an emotionally turbo-charged, ready-to-burst-out-crying sort of mood. But after seeing her last night I did feel extremely drained, because to a lesser degree, I see her in the same light as she might see David. From my perspective, Panna's relationship with David has been more hurtful and destructive to all parties involved, than conductive to growth. She could do better when it comes to men, and it is not clear to me why she settles for less.
