Thursday, June 23, 2011
Trying to reconnect with old friends, I'm struck by the progression of their lives. Time has gone by, but it's not clear if I've become a better person. In the past I was full of pent up anger, and focused completely on myself. Have I learned to let go of anger, and care more about others?
Judith was cruel to me, it can't be denied. It is the way she left that hurts the most. To act as if everything was ok, then to suddenly cut off contact... and abandon Waldo. It was a selfish and prideful way to end things. I learned that when you care about someone, or owe it to them to care, you must swallow your pride for their benefit.
Is drifting apart less painful? The answer is not so clear. I drifted apart from Motte. She may not wish to have anything to do with me anymore, but 6 years later and she has constantly had a place in my heart.
Reading through my past correspondence with Motte, I happened upon a long email I wrote to her after our break. I gave a lengthy psychological analysis of myself, and claimed I was unready for a relationship with her. Looking back on those words, all I see is a self-absorbed young man. I was so selfish, and she was so selfless. All the apologies in the world would mean nothing, so the best I can do is acknowledge my faults and become better.
I have tried to become better. During my relationship with Judith, I always put her first, I always tried to give. Ultimately, she hurt me as I hurt Motte. So I have no right to complain.
I want to tell Motte that I finally understand how selfish I was. That she made me want to become a better person. That in that way, she will always be a part of me. That I am so thankful for what she has taught me.
Is it also selfish to want to express those things?
Judith was cruel to me, it can't be denied. It is the way she left that hurts the most. To act as if everything was ok, then to suddenly cut off contact... and abandon Waldo. It was a selfish and prideful way to end things. I learned that when you care about someone, or owe it to them to care, you must swallow your pride for their benefit.
Is drifting apart less painful? The answer is not so clear. I drifted apart from Motte. She may not wish to have anything to do with me anymore, but 6 years later and she has constantly had a place in my heart.
Reading through my past correspondence with Motte, I happened upon a long email I wrote to her after our break. I gave a lengthy psychological analysis of myself, and claimed I was unready for a relationship with her. Looking back on those words, all I see is a self-absorbed young man. I was so selfish, and she was so selfless. All the apologies in the world would mean nothing, so the best I can do is acknowledge my faults and become better.
I have tried to become better. During my relationship with Judith, I always put her first, I always tried to give. Ultimately, she hurt me as I hurt Motte. So I have no right to complain.
I want to tell Motte that I finally understand how selfish I was. That she made me want to become a better person. That in that way, she will always be a part of me. That I am so thankful for what she has taught me.
Is it also selfish to want to express those things?
