Saturday, February 26, 2005
It is easy to fall into the trap of judging yourself by your intentions, and not your actions. As an everyday example, I often start each weekend with the full intention of doing my homework, reviewing my lecture notes, doing laundry, etc., and when I fail to meet those goals, I will tell myself "it's ok, I meant to do better". The problem is that when you get into that pattern of thinking, you can forgive yourself for doing just about anything. And when that happens, you will find yourself in a place where you are far more forgiving towards yourself than you would be towards your roommate, best friend, mother, or just about anybody else.
That is why I find myself admiring those who hold themselves up to as strict standards as they would, for example, to their own child: that is to say, not a judgmental imposing of arbitrary standards, but a principled evaluation based upon actions and not intentions, something that you impose upon the subject because you want them to grow. And so I admire Motte, because in her I see something which I lack, that is, the strength that is needed to judge oneself, at the end of the day, based upon one's own actions, and not just to forgive oneself in light of better intentions.
So it is of great irony, that in my actions towards Motte, I have failed despite all my good intentions to live up to my own measly expectations, and certainly her expectations. And of course in this case I could not take the liberty of forgiving myself because I meant to do better, and all I feel is regret at my own lack of strength, and all the exhaustion and world-weariness that has contributed to my weakness of character. It seems that there is a point where "sorry, I meant to be better" just won't pass, not even when it is being spoken quietly inside my head, at myself.
That is why I find myself admiring those who hold themselves up to as strict standards as they would, for example, to their own child: that is to say, not a judgmental imposing of arbitrary standards, but a principled evaluation based upon actions and not intentions, something that you impose upon the subject because you want them to grow. And so I admire Motte, because in her I see something which I lack, that is, the strength that is needed to judge oneself, at the end of the day, based upon one's own actions, and not just to forgive oneself in light of better intentions.
So it is of great irony, that in my actions towards Motte, I have failed despite all my good intentions to live up to my own measly expectations, and certainly her expectations. And of course in this case I could not take the liberty of forgiving myself because I meant to do better, and all I feel is regret at my own lack of strength, and all the exhaustion and world-weariness that has contributed to my weakness of character. It seems that there is a point where "sorry, I meant to be better" just won't pass, not even when it is being spoken quietly inside my head, at myself.
